By Kate Lis
So, you’re thinking about going to your first sex party — or maybe, you’re a seasoned sex party enthusiast. Whatever the case, the same rules apply if you want to have a nice time, honour your boundaries and respect the people around you. In short, a great sex party experience comes down to a few things: preparation, consent, safe sex and drug practices and aftercare. Read on for tips on all of them to help you and your play partners have a sexy and safe time all around.
Before the party:
Arriving to a sex party well-prepared can significantly improve your experience. It goes without saying that being well-rested, hydrated and in a good state of mind is the best way to make an entrance.
Besides those fundamentals, here’s a little checklist of things you might want to bring along:
- Drugs. Stock up on the drugs you’ll want to use, so you’re not dependent on others. This also helps ensure you know what you’re taking, how strong it is and how to dose it. It’s a good idea to bring your own straw, pipette, pipe or needles — because sharing these will always put you at risk of transmitting vira or STIs. Some people like to have control over how long they party for: if that sounds like you, we recommend bringing the amount of substances you want to take and ending the party once they run out.
- Prevention. Bring your own safer sex kit; condoms, gloves, lube or anything else you’d like to use. Besides the safety aspect, it’s also simply nice to have the brands/sizes you prefer and need on hand. If you think you might like to use toys at the party, we recommend you bring your own — and don’t share with others to reduce the risk of transmitting STIs. If you do end up sharing your toys, using alcohol wipes to clean them between uses can help reduce the risk of bacteria being transferred.
- Medication. Some parties can go on for a long time. If you’re on any type of medication, it’s a good idea to have some with you. Perhaps set an alarm so that you don’t forget to take it.
- Extras. Bring some comfy or warm clothes you can change into if needed — especially when you leave the party, perhaps a bit exhausted. Other practical items include a phone charger and cash.
- A buddy. Having a friend to go to the party with could make you feel safer and relieve the potential awkwardness of being alone. You and your friend can also help watch out for one another — and step in if one of you isn’t able to communicate or stop a situation.
The Danish consent law states that consensual sex is an active ‘yes’ — not the absence of a ‘no’. In other words, consent is clear and enthusiastic affirmation — and it can be withdrawn at any time.
So, what happens if your play partner withdraws consent?
First of all, keep in mind that there are many reasons for changing your mind about a sexual experience. It could be that a particular act has become too intense, or the person just needs a break. But it can also be a change of heart. Maybe they were a bit drunk or high when the sex was initiated and now they’ve sobered up. Or perhaps they feel the personal chemistry is a bit off. Being in a sexual situation can make you vulnerable, so even small details can change how you feel about it. The most important thing is that consent — or a lack of it — is respected.
If somebody withdraws their consent, ask this person what they need. Is it a complete stop or is it a break? Do they want to talk or be alone? Give them options and opportunities to share what’s going on. The withdrawal doesn’t have to be personal; it can be situational. Keep that in mind and respect the bottom line: if someone has withdrawn their consent, the sex needs to stop.
Safer sex practices
If you think that you might have been exposed to HIV, you can contact your local sex health clinic for a treatment with post-exposure prophylaxis (commonly known as PEP). It’s a type of emergency medicine that can prevent you from contracting HIV after exposure. The earlier you start the treatment, the better — but don’t wait more than 72 hours. (Be wary that if you don’t present male, you might have to argue your case with the medical staff; they usually only give PEP to ‘men who have sex with men’.)
In case of drug overdose
If your sex partner starts to act confused or even lose consciousness, stop all activities immediately. This person is no longer capable of giving their consent and their well-being is first priority.
If they’ve taken GHB, they are experiencing a ‘collapse’ — which usually lasts about 30 minutes or more. In this case, it’s best to put them on their side so that their airways are free in case of vomiting. It’s also a good idea to stay with them. The person might experience motor skill spasms, which can look a lot worse than they actually are. The person won’t be in any pain or discomfort: they just need you to watch them until they’re fully aware again.
If the person has taken ketamine and suddenly ‘disappears’, they are experiencing a k-hole. This is an inner state of tripping: eventful for the person experiencing it — but for outsiders, it looks like they’re simply not present. The person’s eyes may be open or closed. There is nothing dangerous about k-holing in itself; just make sure that the person doesn’t trip or fall. Your best bet is making them sit down, or at least staying near them. The k-hole will usually last 30 minutes, but can keep going for up to an hour.
When the person is back and has regained full awareness, give them water, salts or sugars and whatever else they need. Tell them that they’ve been gone for a bit and that they should rest.
If a person loses consciousness or stops breathing, call 112 immediately!
For some people, the whole appeal of a sex party is the intensity of it. More people, more sensory inputs and more play can all feel super good in the moment. Spiced up with drugs and alcohol, the experience can intensify sensations and help you reach extreme states of euphoria. But afterwards, the jump back to reality can be brutal. With that in mind, it’s crucial to follow the campsite rule; leave people in the same state as when you found them, or even better. And after all these intense experiences, it’s nice to come down together. Make sure to have some time afterwards to cuddle or talk and that you have each other’s numbers in case one of you wants to debrief later.
So, there you have it. We hope you’ve found these tips useful. And if you think we’ve missed something crucial, feel free to get in touch at firstname.lastname@example.org.